Sometimes, God answers a prayer so quickly He leaves my head spinning.
This morning, I was having my time with the Lord and pouring out everything in me. I’m an emotional person. And, as per usual, as I seem to be hitting an apex, one of my little twins wanders in and sits in my lap. Normally, I repeat my rules to them so they don’t interrupt or I walk them out of the room. Today, I just held her and rocked her and continued to pray. I had one of those bittersweet moments that parents know – the one where you realize they aren’t so small anymore. Tears begin to flow and my mom guilt washes over me.
In the last two or three days, I have spent more time cleaning up after them, than I have been holding them. This often results in super clingy children – which creates a cycle of frustration because things have to get done if for no other reason than comfort’s sake. I just poured that out to Him, too. And this verse came forth…
Isaiah 49:21 Then you will say in your heart, ‘Who bore me these? I was bereaved and barren; I was exiled and rejected. Who brought these up? I was left all alone, but these–where have they come from?'”
For the last year, I have desperately needed to press into Him so much so that I would often let someone watch them so He and I could talk, so I could pray, cry out and read His Word hoping for an answer, comfort, direction… I often feel like I have gone through this year not really seeing them and loving them the way I had envisioned when I was told I was carrying them. These beautiful little gifts given to me after a such a bitter struggle with infertility and I feel so very far away. But, I know He will restore that lost time, too. It wasn’t in vain. He’s done it before for me and He WILL do it again. But, that verse. It is so bold in these moments. “Who brought these up?” It’s not only His gentle reminder, but it’s also one that causes awe. I feel so far away, but they are doing beautifully. HE has cared for them while I’ve pressed in. HE helps me when things get hard.
So, after I finished up, I went into the next room to start getting my home in order only to look up and see that same one gathering up toys. When I asked what she was doing, she said she was putting them in her backpack to help me put them away. I looked up, smiled and whispered a soft “Thank you”. Moments later, her sister started helping me as well. So, now I’m this teary eyed mess because it gets me every time… even in the little things… those tears from feeling guilty and overwhelmed meant something to Him. How can I not be grateful, humbled and in awe?